kathleen has broken up with me. the full impact of this has not yet crushed me, i think i'm still in shock. i'm not depressed or suicidal so i think i'm still just really confused and numb right now.

i'm afraid. this is so sudden. what was this summer? i was happier than i had ever been in my life. i felt good about myself. and it's all been shattered. does kathleen still love me? i think a more important question was if she ever did.

i am seriously afraid. kathleen has become synonymous for 'life'. i have no idea. about anything. i am so dependant. why did i become so attached if she was just going to stop caring. i can't do anything to block this out because everything that makes me happy or distracts me is somehow linked to her. i can't listen to any music, the CONCEPT of music itself is completely intertwined with her. I went to penny-arcade and it was like the comic was mocking me. http://www.penny-arcade.com/images/2005/20050905l.jpg kathleen loved catsby and twisp. i can't go on atease, or even go into my own room right now. it's making me really nervous just to be signed in to msn. this computer is stabbing me. 80% of it all happened in front of a screen like this.

she told me not to change. she told me. to not change. how? it is now completely apparant to me how flawed i really am. i really thought that she of all people would be able to get past that. but i'm fundamentally wrong. something about me pushes people away. i don't even want to see her name anymore, it all brings more pain and crying and i feel very weak right now and i either need to figure out what's wrong with me or stop existing.

i don't want to talk about that right now.

i don't want to talk about anything right now. i want to stop. i want this all to stop. i can't do anything. why did this happen?

i was too obsessed. i thought i finally found eternal happiness and i wanted to embrace it on every level. i'm so sorry kathleen. i tried to be supportive to you and be happy but it just hurt people. i just hurt people and i need to stop. how could she tell me not change? why wouldn't she talk to me about this, why did it just have to break?

i don't want to hear 'you'll get through this'. i don't want to have to. i want her to jump out of a closet and say 'jaykay' or something. i don't want to continuing living life if it's going to be so empty. life without kathleen is like the universe withou neutrons. it won't work.

i am giving myself a month. okay? if the quality of my life doesn't improve, or i'm not any happier in one month, i will die. no exceptions. i don't want anyone to bring that up, okay? it's depressing. but if she seriously doesn't want me then i'm convinced that i will never be able to get close to anyone again. all of those plans we made, everything between us will never come to pass. why would i open myself up to disappointment and bitter snapping sensations in my ribs like that? i wish i was numb still. this really hurts.

i know what i want. i'm sure everyone else does too. but seeing as how i can't have it, i don't want anything else. if the one person i've built my life on is gone, i don't want a replacement. i don't want someone to hug me and tell me it will be alright because i don't want it to be anything. i want it gone. i want june 18th until august 10th to play over and over forever. i never want to leave. i just want to live in those memories. i'm sorry i'm me. i'm so fucking sorry. i'm sorry.

i'm sorry.

i don't know if i care that you care or not. please make it all go away.

Fuck. I don't know why that bothers me so much. I mean, I know why it would at first, but I realize she wasn't serious and....argh. Okay.

Kathleen pretended she was breaking up with me. "MJ, it's not you, it's me. I don't think we should see each other anymore. So don't call me anymore or anything." That really hurt. And I know she was joking but it really stings that she would joke about that. Am I a joke?

I really hope she doesn't leave me, and I really hope that something like 'the shirt I'm wearing' isn't the reason for something like that. I know I'm jealous, passive, boring, and a million other negative traits, but I'm also sensitive and compassionate. I don't bruise easily, but some things really get to me. That really gets to me.

Truthfully, she sounds really annoyed with me half of the time whenever we talk. I dreamt the night before last that I called her and she was just yelling at me and making personal attacks. Kathleen is being a bit short with me, only to turn around a few seconds later with a sweet voice and a warm word. As romantic as the idea of her controlling my emotions is, I don't think she really understands how dependant I am or appreciates my obsession. Do I need to control this? I can't own anything it seems.

Why isn't unconditional love more prominantly obvious?

MJ

Right. So I'm 'home'. Why do I live here?

Seriously. The only thing that I missed was the water, which is infinitely fresh and satisfying. I didn't miss dismay bathroom. My bedroom depresses me. Driving through town from the airport brought back a multitude of memories I wish would just fucking die. And these people....Hey, if anyone knows of an effective untraceable poison, please let me know.

They've become worse while I was gone. More 'Christian'. The parental units eat at the dinner table now and they say grace. I'm going to enquire to that as of now. Okay. I don't have to say grace with them, but they request that I do not start eating until they're done. Which I can deal with. They don't seem to be as completely unreasonable as I remember, but it is only the first day. I really hope this year is better.

One really major difference now is Kathleen. Last summer, I explained the terms of my communication abilities and she said it was fine, and it was, until around Christmas. Remember that? I was insane. Our connection dwindled seriously and it got to the point where I thought she didn't even care about me. I don't want that to happen, and I think we'll be better off, maybe. I hope today wasn't a good example of what it will be like. I was online for a while, and then I signed off and went to nap, asked her to call me when she got on, then got on 6 hours later and she was on.

I'm reeeeaaalllllllyyyy dependant right now. I'm going to try to master this, though. I unrelentlessly love and miss her and I really need her help in this transition phase. I guess it doesn't help much that the last couple of weeks we've been inseparable and now my orbit is out of alignment.

Okay, distraction. I received several pieces of mail in my absense. First, some boarding school, Keystone? sent me a flyer. This is good. It means my name is getting around in the education system, either through Duke or Hampden-Sydney. I have no intention of checking out Keystone. I'm going for NCSSM.

Also: my history teacher sent a letter about AP World History this year. She promises several hours of reading each night, and as you can imagine, I can hardly wait for that. I really hate to be one-minded, but that will definitely cut down on my online time.

Which is what, exactly? Apparantly Mariah has a time she gets on the computer every day, from 3-5? Whatevz, but then James is on an increasing amount, too. Looking up fucking Yu-Gi-Oh shit. What a loser. I wish I had a laptop and my own internet. Maybe I should consider buying an iBook now? Kathleen, please get back to me on that.

And next summer, my Mrs. Ricks is taking her history class on a trip to Europe. London, Paris, and Rome, all for under $3000. Now, first of all, fuck do I want to go. The chance to get out of this country AND off this continent?! Sign me up. It's goddamned Paris and Rome (screw London). But. I don't want to waste my summer like that. I have plans of being in Seattle and Chicago most of the summer, if I have my way. Plus, where the hell am I going to get three grand? If either Mom or Dad has that kind of money, I could think of other really nice things they could get me that I would like better. This is like that $500 trip to Washington DC in 8th grade, the 'trip of a lifetime'. Yeah, this beats the shit out of that with a metal baseball bat. I don't really want to go to have fun, though. I just want to go to say I went. I'd be content to not go and have people say that I did. Maybe there is some curiosity, but not three thousand dollars worth. Buy me a great camera and an iPod and my Powerbook and a down payment on a car, or something.

And Dad said something about getting a letter, but he didn't recognize who it was from and has misplaced it. What the hell? Someone actually writes me and it's lost? I love when people write me. But no one ever does, seriously. I write between 5-20 letters, e-mails, or just messages a week, and I receive perhaps 2. I think three weeks ago I had 4, but one was a chain letter.

Okay. I'm feeling a bit better. I'm really grateful for music. It helps drown everything else out.

Say something or make me cry. Immediately.
MJ


Edit. I really cussed a lot. I'm sorry. It's not like me. It's this noxious air I'm in. The stupidity is already suffocating me.

Okay, so I woke up this morning after only 5.5 hours of sleep. But I couldn't get back to bed. I stayed up until about noon, and then managed to sleep another 4 hours. and this is what I dreamt:

It's like I'm spending the night at someone's house, but it's my family. We're in a dark livingroom, on a couch facing a TV. Behind the couch is a door. I'm a girl, and 'Dad' rigs me and my little 'brother' to a couch with a bunch of extension cords. He says that if we break contact between any of them, he'll know, and that if they leave the couch, he'll also know. He demonstrates by lifting a cord for a second. A large bright light in his room (the door behind us) flashes on. He goes into his room and closes the door.
'What are we going to do, sis?'
I squirm through the cords, not actually breaking or disconnecting any. It's like I'm just unwinding them. I then untangle him. (NOW I'm male, again.) My little brother turns into Kathleen. She leads me into this smallish kitchen and starts opening cabinets and containers, exposing cookies and all sorts of delicious looking bakery goods she makes some sort of comment like
'We keep all of the good stuff under wraps.'
or something. As we look through the nook window into the livingroom, sunlight is starting to flow from the window next to the door. There's suddenly a pan of scrambled eggs on the stove. Dad comes out and asks how it's going, he looks very disheveled.

Dad becomes Gayland, the house becomes an 8th floor hotel room. Kathleen is gone.We're just chatting. Mom's down the street at a grocery store. He tells me to go join her. I know he's going to jump out of the window. I'm with Mom in the produce section, and her cell-phone starts ringing. I tell her
'You know what that's about.'
and she smiles and nods and answers it. And then her smile fades and she starts crying. We're outside, and in the street, right in front of the hotel, is a streak of blood from the middle of the street to the curb. Gayland's body is sitting on the curb on a stretcher, there's a large red-purple patch on his forhead, but no other damage. His eyes are open.

So I'm somehow forced to go back to live with Dad and James and Mariah. We're camping out on sleeping bags in a small room in a hallway of doctor's offices. James won't stay off of my bag, and there's some competition between Poke'mon games on our GBAs. I'm really sick of it, and things change again.

They become a different family, a timid, balding father, a stereotypical stay-at-home wife, and their son, who I'm apparantly friends with. They say they're going to the grocery store and I'm welcome to join them. It's some kind of novelty store. My friend's dad hands me a rubber chicken, and tells me to go give it to James. So I wade through the aisles and people and slap it in his hand, but he knows it isn't a real chicken. I follow them (James becomes their son again) through the store, and I take a turnip from the produce section, take a bite, and set it on a box. I play with all kinds of seafood, just fiddling with things.

Suddenly, I notice everyone is gone. The store is empty. I circle round a bit, and the lights go off. I hear a voice in my head (definitely not my own) saying something like
'Now, you get to discover what happened.'
I walk over to the same couch from earlier and lay down on it, knowing full well I couldn't win at this game. If I wandered in the dark, something bad would happen to me. The television screen flickers on. It's some tropical gameshow.

Things change, and I'm a gunner at the base wheel of some sort of star craft. My job is to keep little mechanoid pests out of the landing gear. A meteor hits the stand, and explodes, two small magnetic mice and a ball bearing scatter over the gear. I angle my gun and hit the ball bearing with an electro-magnetic shock with ease, but I have trouble getting the mice, my gun won't turn towards them. Eventually, I just bang the bottom of the craft against the runway and they break away.

It turns out that we are on that tropical planet from the show. I become a contestant and as we land, I see the host/greeter talking to a few guys. I pull a can of something alcholic out of a bad and it frothes while he says
'So tell me, have any of you broken any laws on this planet? No? We should be good.'

Oh, Corey....

Whenever I read your blog I'm filled with very strong emotions that I can't explain. It's not common for me to feel this strongly about anything. There's just something about your situation, about who you are. I want to help, but I'm afraid. Your youthful innocence is completely pure, it's making me cry (it's these hormones), but I know if I get too close I'll taint you. My malice, my sarcasm, my narcissistic cynicism. Corey, you are a good person. You are a great person. But you are so good that you make me feel bad about who I am.

I read how lonely you are and I want to reach out. I try to reach out. No one should ever have to be alone. It's one of life's lessons I've experienced firsthand. I don't want you to have to experience it too. I want you to be living your life to it's fullest, enjoying your adolescence. That's why it's so hard for me to take any steps. I know that I will ruin the ride for you, spoil the experience.

I'm not sure whether to thank you or apologize,
Matt

Corey moved to Jacksonville over Christmas break. From his standpoint, his only friends are Elayna and I, which makes me feel bad because I'm not a very good friend. He truly does make me feel like a horrible person. The wrongs I do him make me feel like I've lived a very paltry life. How can he shrug off his loneliness?

I have no idea where his father is. I won't ask. His mom supports both him and his sister. I've followed his blog for months now, and I feel like he's used to being lonely and not having money to flaunt.

I think part of his lack of friends may be because of his tastes; which are very simple. He likes pizza and final fantasy and eating pizza and playing final fantasy. So when Elayna befriended him (and I kind of tolerated him), he was content. He's happy with the little bit he has. Which makes me feel ungrateful for all I have and yet I'm still not satisfied.  I am a repulsive being.

Up until recently, I haven't really tried to be there for him. But I read how dependant he is on Elayna, I see myself in him. A better me. Certainly a taller me. Corey inspires in me all of the guilt I feel for growing up early.

MJ

I got home around 1:30 last night. Slept until 2:30 pm. Went back to bed at 4, got up at 6, went back to bet at 7:30 and got up at 1:30. 20 hours of sleep. That's the most I've ever slept within a single day since I was like 3. And I'm going back to bed in a while. But for now I am here. Why can't people talk in emotions?

Rules:
1. Copy and post in your Blog.
2. Bold anything that is true.
3. Leave plain anything that is untrue.
4. Add something.

01. I miss somebody right now.
02. I watch more tv than I used to.
03. I love olives.
04. I love sleeping.
05. I own lots of books.
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses.
07. I love to play video games.
08. I've tried marijuana.
09. I've watched porn movies.
10. I have been in a threesome.
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
13. I have acne free skin.
14. I like and/or respect Al Sharpton.
15. I curse frequently.
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
17. I have a hobby.
18. I've been told I have a nice butt.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
20. I'm really, really smart.
21. I've never broken someone else's bones.
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I love rain.
24. I'm paranoid at times.
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar free.
26. I need money right now.
27. I love sushi.
28. I talk really, really fast
29. I have fresh breath in the morning.
30. I have semi-long hair.
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas.
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister.
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs.
35. I have a twin.
36. I sleep with two (or more) pillows.
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look.
39. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.
40. I know how to do cornrows.
41. I am usually pessimistic.
42. I have mood swings.
43. I think prostitution should be legalized.
44. I think Britney Spears is pretty.
45. I have cheated on significant other.
46. I have a hidden talent.
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
48. I think that I'm popular.
49. I am currently single.
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex.
51. I enjoy talking on the phone.
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
53. I love to shop.
54. I would rather shop than eat.
55. I would classify myself as ghetto.
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
57. I'm obsessed with my LJ/blog.
58. I don't hate anyone.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer.
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington.
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
62. I have a cell phone.
63. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
67. I have never been in a real relationship before.
68. I've rejected someone before.
69. I currently have a crush on someone.
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
71. I want to have children in the future.
72. I have changed a diaper before.
73. I've had the cops called on me before.
74. I bite my nails sometimes
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
76. I'm not allergic to anything deadly
77. I have a lot to learn.
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie.
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex but only when I fancy them.
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved.
83. I have tried alcohol before
84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
85. I own the "South Park" movie.
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
88. I enjoy country music.
89. I love my best friends. I love a lot of people, period.
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can.
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist.
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
98. I have dated a close friend's ex.
99. I'm happy as of this moment.
100. I have gone scuba diving
101. Had a crush on somebody you've never met.
102. kissed someone you knew you shouldn't
103. I play a musical instrument.
104. I strongly dislike maths.
105. I'm procrastinating something right now.
106. I own and use a library card.
107. I fall in 'lust' more than in 'love.'
108. Cheese enchiladas rock my socks.
109. I think The Lord of the Rings is one of the greatest things ever.
110. I'm obsessed with the tv show "Lost"
111. I think Beyblades is the coolest show in coolsville. And I think that tekken is the rockingest game in rockville.
112. There are more things I could be better at, if only I tried harder.
113. Sometimes I don't like food.
114. I worry sometimes that I'm not being the best friend I could be to the people I care about.
115. I desperately want people to respect me but it rarely happens.
116. I have never been able to say anything positive about myself and truly believe it.
117. I am (might be) bisexual.
118. I think scottish accents are very attractive.
119. I could spend an entire day on the computer with the occasional potty & food breaks.
120. I think George W. Bush is not only a horrible president, but really annoying as well.
121. I have never been this happy with my life and content in this skin.
122. I have no problem downloading Mp3's for free
123. I adore scarves.
124. I'm a total lit nerd.
125. I have a severe coffee addiction
126. I like classical music. it has its place.
127. I have a LiveStrong bracelet
128. There are times when I feel completely lost or helpless
129. I own a credit card.
130. Im obsessed with horror movies
131. I LOVE Disney
132. I can be really, really blunt sometimes.
133. I never sleep well unless there's someone of the opposite sex in the bed with me.
134. I like to spent time by myself and feel suffocated if i spent too much time in peoples company
135. If I were rich, I'd like to have the biggest record collection in the world.
136. One day i'd like to own my own record label.
137. I'm not very nice when I'm TIRED
138. I'm in love with Louis Vuitton.
139. I HATE SNEEZING!
140. I love having lyric conversations with people.
141. I couldn't live without listening to music each day.
142. I own a pair of vampire fangs.
143. I fall in love with people quickly, and it takes me ages to get over them. Especially friends.
144. I've watched doorknobs closely in fear I might witness them turning slowly, deliberately, with someone creepy behind it.