kathleen has broken up with me. the full impact of this has not yet crushed me, i think i'm still in shock. i'm not depressed or suicidal so i think i'm still just really confused and numb right now.

i'm afraid. this is so sudden. what was this summer? i was happier than i had ever been in my life. i felt good about myself. and it's all been shattered. does kathleen still love me? i think a more important question was if she ever did.

i am seriously afraid. kathleen has become synonymous for 'life'. i have no idea. about anything. i am so dependant. why did i become so attached if she was just going to stop caring. i can't do anything to block this out because everything that makes me happy or distracts me is somehow linked to her. i can't listen to any music, the CONCEPT of music itself is completely intertwined with her. I went to penny-arcade and it was like the comic was mocking me. http://www.penny-arcade.com/images/2005/20050905l.jpg kathleen loved catsby and twisp. i can't go on atease, or even go into my own room right now. it's making me really nervous just to be signed in to msn. this computer is stabbing me. 80% of it all happened in front of a screen like this.

she told me not to change. she told me. to not change. how? it is now completely apparant to me how flawed i really am. i really thought that she of all people would be able to get past that. but i'm fundamentally wrong. something about me pushes people away. i don't even want to see her name anymore, it all brings more pain and crying and i feel very weak right now and i either need to figure out what's wrong with me or stop existing.

i don't want to talk about that right now.

i don't want to talk about anything right now. i want to stop. i want this all to stop. i can't do anything. why did this happen?

i was too obsessed. i thought i finally found eternal happiness and i wanted to embrace it on every level. i'm so sorry kathleen. i tried to be supportive to you and be happy but it just hurt people. i just hurt people and i need to stop. how could she tell me not change? why wouldn't she talk to me about this, why did it just have to break?

i don't want to hear 'you'll get through this'. i don't want to have to. i want her to jump out of a closet and say 'jaykay' or something. i don't want to continuing living life if it's going to be so empty. life without kathleen is like the universe withou neutrons. it won't work.

i am giving myself a month. okay? if the quality of my life doesn't improve, or i'm not any happier in one month, i will die. no exceptions. i don't want anyone to bring that up, okay? it's depressing. but if she seriously doesn't want me then i'm convinced that i will never be able to get close to anyone again. all of those plans we made, everything between us will never come to pass. why would i open myself up to disappointment and bitter snapping sensations in my ribs like that? i wish i was numb still. this really hurts.

i know what i want. i'm sure everyone else does too. but seeing as how i can't have it, i don't want anything else. if the one person i've built my life on is gone, i don't want a replacement. i don't want someone to hug me and tell me it will be alright because i don't want it to be anything. i want it gone. i want june 18th until august 10th to play over and over forever. i never want to leave. i just want to live in those memories. i'm sorry i'm me. i'm so fucking sorry. i'm sorry.

i'm sorry.

i don't know if i care that you care or not. please make it all go away.