Name: I am MJ.
Age: About 16.
I am recovering.
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Monday, May 23, 2005
Posted at 01:22 am by Akumeon
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Wednesday, May 04, 2005
I've decided that if I somehow develop Leukemia, my wish from the Make A Wish Foundation will be to go skydiving with Yoko Ono.
Anyway.
Where's the love?
Posted at 05:48 pm by Akumeon
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Sunday, April 10, 2005
Before you say anything, let me vent;
I'm thinking at this moment 'The reason I have this journal is for ME. It's purpose is to comfort me by allowing me to release anything pent up whenever there's no one to turn to.'
And right now there is no one to turn to.
But part of this system is that after I vent, those who care are supposed to make sure I'm alright. I think that a small part of my downcast demeanour has something to do with the fact that no one has made sure I'm alright in quite a while. The people I depend on are either busy or they no longer care about me.
And I do feel that way. It's the first time I've actually cried because of what someone else did to me rather than what I've done to someone else since I was six.
Am I not meant to live happily? Is my life to be a road of endurance, and once I can have joy, I'm too cold and indifferent to enjoy it?
Or am I to be selfless? Would you like it if I just supported you full-on and didn't ask for anything?
I wish I could be undeniable. Or that I would always have someone. I wish I had what I've lost. I miss being loved.
What part of this is my fault? Did I not put enough effort in? Did I let something come between myself and what really matters? Or did I try too hard? Am I really suffocating you?
And throughout it all, a small, screaming part of me knows I will continue through this, and I wish it wasn't so. I wish I didn't have to go on. But I don't want to die. I feel like there's still something worth living for, it just wants to watch me suffer immeasurably before showing itself to me.
If.
If you love me, why doesn't it feel like it?
Why do I feel abandonned?
If I do die, don't lament any more than you did before. I hope that life can bring you more happiness than it does me.
MJ
Posted at 10:33 pm by Akumeon
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Wednesday, April 06, 2005
I dreamt a dream last night, one of the very few I remember having here.
It was late afternoon, mid-evening in a semi-dark apartment. No sun, but a kind of faint turquoise glow from the ways. It was pretty non-descript except for a smallish desk with a computer on it. I feel like it was a second floor apartment in Seattle (though I have no evidence of anything outside of it.
I was alone, I don't know what I was doing, probably something on the computer, when Saha comes in. He says he has to kill me. I kind of nod solemnly and ask if I can tell Kathleen goodbye. So I log on, and (mercifully) she's online. At this point I realize I'm about to find out what's after life. I'm about to realize if there is heaven or nothing, or cumulative consciousness or whatever after death, so I become a bit self-conscious, wanting to feel the moment of my death to it's entirety.I explain the situation to her, and she says she understands (but I know she doesn't and that she thinks it's unfair) and I say good-bye and thank her for all of the genuine happiness and splendor she brought to my life (I actually said those words).
Saha was going to snap my neck. He didn't say it, but I knew he was thinking it was the best way. He hit a few keys on the keyboard, and a window came up with a loading bar. He said it would only hurt for a moment. I noticed the loading bar got stuck at 75% and stopped. He jerked my head very hard left, and it DID hurt. I wonder if I really felt that pain. It was a jarring sting kind of feel. I started saying rapidly in an elevated voice (but not shouting) "PainpainpainPAIN." And he hit another key and snapped it the other way. My vision flashes to white and then fades to black.
When I come to (I mean, I guess I did) I find myself somewhere else. It turns out that no one really stops living, but when you do 'die', you're soul is put in another identical body in another universe and you continue living, your life started anew, with your thoughts, memories, experiences from before your 'death'. A clean slate, basically. No one ever finds anyone they knew while they were living, though. I was in this huge city which fits my mental picture of Paris. I remember liking it a lot more than where I was before. I went and saw an entire orchestra play in a small school-like auditorium, and walked by shop-windows and such. The streets were cobbled and it always looked like it was about to rain. Stores had latern-like lights outside, and alleys were narrow. I remember missing some parts of my former life, though, and I was slightly depressed about not knowing anyone and I don't think anyone even spoke my language.
Some notes and things I realized after waking up:
I never questioned why Saha had to kill me, nor was I upset or angry. I understood it had to be done.
Also, I say goodbye to Kathleen, but not my own mother? Does this mean Kathleen is the most important person in my life?
And if Saha was to kill someone, I do see it most likely that he would snap their neck. To me, it seems the Saha-way. *shrugs*
I feel like after I 'woke-up' in another universe', some time had passed between me arriving and me being where I was. Like in a movie, where they skip a month or something.
And everyone appeared to like being in this Paris-like city. They had all 'died'. And upon coming, no one knew one another, and made friends, so I was the only one alone.
Posted at 01:34 pm by Akumeon
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Monday, April 04, 2005
Better.
But again, I mention how much I feel like John Myers (played by Rubert Evens) at the end of Hellboy.
And if you haven't seen it, don't ask me about it.
Go watch it.
MJ
Posted at 03:47 pm by Akumeon
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Sunday, April 03, 2005
Posted at 09:27 am by Akumeon
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Thursday, March 24, 2005
I dreamt last night about Ashley Sands. We were at some school-related function, very possibly a basketball game, in the lower end of the stands. I had been working on some sort of class assignment (a list of something. I remember that there were actually real things on that list, but I forgot what exactly.) At one point, she had taken my notebook and written a paragraph under my list. I don't remember what it said, but I was frantic to reply to it before she no longer would read it.
I wrote over a whole page in my notebook, (in purple ink) about thinking about her nearly every day since 4th grade, about my regret of not trying to be her friend, and how now I would really like to be her friend now, and how she should at least give me a chance. The dream ended before I could hand her the notebook.
But I woke up in regret. Will this haunt me forever? Will I be an aged man, rocking in a chair with an oxygen tank, and still thinking about something that never was, all of those years in anguish? Why do I feel so discomforted by this, even now? There isn't anything I can do about it, and even if I could, what could become of it? What if I found her? She wouldn't be the same. Would it make me feel better to make amends anyway? What's wrong with me?
Posted at 08:08 pm by Akumeon
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Monday, March 21, 2005
Del dolor que usted conduce en el corazón de mí.
Hey. Umm....Yes. Just updating. Not much going on. It's Spring Break, a welcome relief.
I'm alone. No one is home and no one is online. I've scantly said 100 words today. But anyway.
If you are planning way way WAY in advance for my birthday, let it be known that I desire a deck of hanafuda cards. Nothing fancy, just not some collector's Inuyasha fan set. Bonus points if you can find one with a Rain card that shows the story of Ono no Tofu.
The Wildebeast made brownies. I'm going to have one in a couple of minutes. Whether she knows it or not. At this point I'm really only making conversation.
Am I bored?
Probably.
Will I admit it?
Never.
I can be very self-sufficient given the chance. That's part of my motivation behind NCSSM.
I hope Kathleen had a safe trip....I haven't heard from her and she said she would call when she arrived....I mean, I have no reason to believe she is otherwise but fine, but if I remember correctly, last time she said she would call and she didn't she was hit by a truck. So maybe I am justified in my worry. It doesn't help any that Abby isn't on either. But someone would call if something happened.
And....I'm going to end this before I start repeating myself. My head hurts. Yo tengo dolor de cabeza.
Hasta Entonces,
MJ
PS. When I'm rich and famous, remind me that I want a large Alexandrite stone. Beautiful. http://www.palagems.com/Images/Bancroft_Russia_Alexandrite/alexandrite_1.29ct.jpg
Posted at 07:37 pm by Akumeon
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Monday, March 14, 2005
Habble on, ye shopcutter's sopter.
I am a wreck.
What is in my head? Please, get it out. I've got it at bay now, after reading for an hour, but I know it will be back as soon as this state of reflective calm has worn off.
As I think now, I know I'm fine. My life is good, I have serious potential towards finding happiness. But lately.....I don't know. It seems I'm trying to convince myself the worst. I feel like the people I care about most are drifting away, and that I'm sinking into this pit. I feel like I'm in the process of a major change in personality or whatever and that I'm not going to like hwo I become. This is really important for me. Up until I met someone, I really didn't like who I was. I was miserable, I hated everything about myself because no one could appreciate it, so I couldn't enjoy it. But when you find someone who loves your faults equally as your strengths, you really gain a lot of self-esteem and respect. But to have that feeling taken away from you is horrible.
You see, I have sunken into this state already.
All of my relationships have changed over the last month or two. Seriously. All of them. Daniela, Kathleen, Mom, Dad, Saha, regular people I see every day. I feel the full impact of not having anything stable. None of these changes please me in the least. It seems everyone is pulling away from me, keeping the bare minimum of contact with me. Am I going crazy because of it?
No. I am sane. I realize that I'm probably imagining this.
But I see it with such clarity. I can't describe it, but it seems so painfully obvious; I've ceased to be important to anyone's life. I'm no longer necessary, whereas the person(s) in question ARE necessary for me. Without this mutual need, the relationship becomes one sided and collapses. I experienced this fiasco first-hand with Elayna. I don't want to go through that with the people closest to me, the ones I've loved for so long. (Perhaps one reason I will avoid fast relationships in the future.) But this isn't just a cry for attention. I'm not saying 'Hey, I think we should spend more time together to strengthen our relationship'. I mean, obviously, I think we should. But I'm also saying we need to evaluate it, decide where we want to be in five years, or just one. Where we want to be next month.
I admit that it is possible that the external forces that influence my life are doing this, perhaps. Maybe a chord or two of misfortune has been played at an off beat, and it's all just really bad timing. But why is change so substrative? Why can't I have an unvarying amount of love constantly, uninhibited? Is that what I need? More love? But from where? I don't want to find new sources, and I would never admit that my current loves are dying on me. Am I doomed to despair as my roots wither in the sun?
And, essentially, you have done your part. You listened. You read. You really have no further obligation. Anything extra, anything that you do that isn't out of pity, or from the basis of 'friendship', that's love. That is Love.
Posted at 03:22 pm by Akumeon
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Saturday, March 12, 2005
Yeah, so I just did something stupid. And I'm admitting it.
There was a burning candle in the bathroom. Just burning away. So I drenched my hand in cologne and dripped it into the flame. It looks so cool. So I poured practically the whole bottle on my hand. But I got a bit too close to the fire, and it jumped, literally 4 inches onto my hand. The whole thing was covered in a dull blue flame. I was very scared, and my first impulse was to wave it around. It took a second to realize I should smother it, and I did.
I have definitely learned my lesson. The damage wasn't too bad. I have no hair on the back of my left hand, but it could have been worse.
Why am I posting this? To teach you all a lesson and to prove I learned mine. You may now point and laugh.
Posted at 06:43 pm by Akumeon
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