I'm not sure something is wrong with me. Perhaps this is how people were designed to feel. Is this what evolution intended?
Everyone has flaws. Why do some people point out others'? I'm usually okay with my lackings. But lately, my short-comings make me feel really badly. Like they're personally my fault, something I chose. I come across the desire to change who I am for someone else.
Am I a closed book? I don't like to think so. I like to think that I share my innermost thoughts with ease. I realize this dillusion. Part of it is that I don't readily give out information. I really like when people ask me questions. Specific questions. I don't really like when people ask how I'm feeling in general and why, I prefer for them to focus on a specific....spectrum. "How do you feel in relation to such-and-such?" "What do you think about this?" But why, again I request.
I don't think I get enough feedback. I *need* people to tell me what I'm doing wrong, when, and how to fix it. I'm not a telepath; if I was, I probably wouldn't sit in this chair for 5+ hours each day. I need to be told when I'm badgering or pesting you. And conversely, don't be afraid to tell me something that you like. I just feel like I'm left alone to figure everything by myself. Every clue comes at a price.
Why don't I let people in? Emo-tically speaking, I'm afraid they'll trash the place and leave. What the hell? Why does everything lead back to fear of abandonment? What part of that am I really afraid of? Being alone? Why can't I overcome my own petty-mindedness, why do I feel the need to be all or nothing? How can I both like solitude and be so utterly dependant on people?
And what's up with this stale feeling? I feel dull and unintelligent. I can't find my positive qualities. No one can justify myself beyond a few words or the occassional good feeling. Do I really even mean anything? Didn't I once used to be special? Where does this leave me? Is there any way I can get people's attention without putting myself too far out? I feel the appraising glance, but where's the longing desire? No one wants me? Is that it? I feel irrelavent because I know everyone can do well without my presence? It's very true I get very depressed about having no feedback. I think I put out more than anyone I know and receive far less in return, although that may just be my perspective. Would you mind scrawling the occassional message? I simple hello makes my day.
A not very serious (or pressing) entry from earlier:
Never watch Wrong Turn. It's not only stupid, but moderately scary. Inbred mutants are worse than regular people to me.
Also. All of these Chinese sites with the same learning English text. Is it an article or just mass plagiarizism?:
http://www.henanedu.net/2003-8-10/2003810110435.htm
http://www.5any.com/studycenter/zsxx/2003/yy_ksdg.htm
http://education.legend-net.com/zhuanti/chrgk/dg/202gqyydg.html
http://www.kao100.com/ChengKao/Article.aspx?Catalog=407&Article=4338
Anyway. I'm relating to Soma a lot right now. How can I feel so alone even when surrounded by people? It's because I don't let anyone in. Help me change that.