Why am I letting this control me?
There's nothing inside me worth saving. These words shouldn't even be on this screen. Things would be simpler for almost everyone if I just internalized everything. Or if I died. I just need to be reminded things. Or something. What the hell is my problem? Suicide isn't the answer. There's definitely more to live for. But....I just don't feel up to finding it. I feel very flawed and vulnerable. The pillow I depend on for comfort apparantly has a knife in it. Or at least a series of pins.
Why did I copy down all of these shining numbers? These random voices can't help me. No one can. I have nothing. I am nothing. Not in an emotional teen angst way. As a person I have nothing. Just a few memories and some meaningless math skills.
I think part of my problem is a lack of vision. My whole life, I've never been able to see past my education. I've never even partially committed to any career. I can't see myself with a job. That's why I'm sure I'm not supposed to make it that far. I can see myself getting into NCSSM. It will be good surroundings. I can isolate myself from everyone. Call my parents once or twice a week, and I can avoid everyone. I won't have to worry about upsetting anyone. I won't be anyone's problem. I can even faintly see college. I do maybe a year or two at UNC. I get my basic education for free.
But then what? I have nothing to focus on because I have nothing. There's no way I'll get past maybe my first year of college. I don't have the will. I have to end it before then. I can't see myself married. Who would do that? Kathleen loves me, but why? Would it extend that far? Or that long? She's already really bored and frustrated with me now. I feel like the unwanted piece of meat on a child's plate. I'm being picked at and cut into small pieces, but she just won't throw me away. Does she even want it? Does she want me? Does anyone?
No. I don't even want me. I don't want to be someone else either. I just want everything to stop. Everything. Just die. Freeze. I don't want anything to continue whatever it is that everything is doing because I don't like it. I don't like this. What is my problem? I should call one of these numbers. I'm really not feeling well. How bad is it when the only person I can depend on has never met me? Again, I ask, why doesn't anyone care about me? Or why do they put up with me? If I was an average, dulled, dumbed teenager, would I be as flawed? Is my lack of character the cause of early maturity?
I'm really tired of it all. I'm sorry. I'm going to call one of these numbers before I do something I won't live to regret.
